You Are Not Alone

Do you ever feel like you are just stuck and you have no clue where to go next? You have all these great ideas in your head and even when you write it out or talk to people about them, they still sound like good ideas, but you just never start because you have no clue where to even start? Welcome to my world.

I feel like I live in this plane of existence and have for a lot of years now and to be honest, I don’t really know what to do about it or where to start. And I think it has gotten worse over the past few years and even more so these past few months. I kind of feel like I have been floating around aimlessly. There is this thing in me that keeps saying I need to do something with my life, but apparently the get up and go isn’t always there to do anything about it.

You see, I lost my job back in June of last year and about a month later my Dad passed away. After losing my job, I started contemplating the idea about moving back to Florida, I was living in Seattle at the time, to help my mom more with caring for my dad and grandfather. She had been their primary caregiver for quite some time at this point and when I came to Florida for a visit in March of 2018, I saw how much it was taking a toll on her.

Dad had dialysis 3 times a week, not to mention his numerous doctor’s appointments. Grandpa, being 82 at the time, had his fair share of doctor appointments as well. Thankfully Grandpa lives in an assisted living facility near by and they provide shuttle services to take him to and from his doctors, but there were still appointments my mom would need to attend with him from time to time. So, as you can see, she had a lot on her plate.

When my previous employer told me about them reorganizing my position and not feeling like I was the proper fit, I was a tad in shock, to say the least, but I also felt a sense of relief. I felt like I had sucked at my job from day one and couldn’t keep things together the way they needed to be. I agreed to say on until they found a replacement for the role as this not only helped them out, but allowed me to have some time to job hunt and figure out if I wanted to stay in Seattle or move back to Florida.

When my dad passed on July 17th, 2018, it was immediately clear to me that moving back to Florida was what I wanted to do. I felt like God was showing me a clear path. My job was ending, my lease was up end of August, I was ready to leave Seattle with all the crazy stuff going on in that city. I was ready to be in the sunshine again and closer to my family.

I started applying to jobs in both Seattle and Florida, just in case I was misreading things and God really wanted me to stay put where I was living. And then it happened, I got a call back from a recruiter here in Florida the week I was in town for my dad’s memorial service. I thought this has to be it! God is providing a job for me and everything is falling into place! I went through a video interview, a phone interview, and was even flown down to Florida a month later for an in-person interview. And then I got the call that they didn’t want to hire me. I was so bummed, but things were already in motion for me to move to Florida. My previous employer had found my replacements (no, the “s” is not a typo) and I had realized I didn’t want to be in Seattle anymore. I wanted to be close to my family during this season of adjusting to my dad being gone.

My mom flew up in September and we packed my stuff and embarked on a cross country drive with my cat. We arrived in Florida on October 1st and I think I slept for a few days after that. I had to readjust to living back in my old room, not having a job, making sure my cat got along with my mom’s cat, find a new church, figure out what I needed of my belonging when my stuff arrived, and adjust to living with someone again after 6.5 years of living along.

I have had full on panic attacks worrying about income and what exactly I am supposed to do with my life now. I have faced my birthday, my mom’s birthday, Thanksgiving, my dad’s birthday, Christmas, and New Year’s, in that order, without my dad here with us. I have found a new church and am starting to get to know some people. I have spent time with my family, mom, grandpa, and cousins since being back. I relaunched my blog. I took some online courses to learn more about social media marketing and marketing techniques. I have been let down from some promising job leads to the point, I feel like no one is ever going to hire me.

And during all of that, I have had all these ideas of things I could do. Learn new painting techniques, make concrete plant holders, knit things, learn to do hand lettering, try more recipes, and probably more I can’t remember right at the moment. But somewhere in there, I just feel adrift. Like I can’t really accomplish any of these things and I don’t fully know why. Maybe it is all part of the grieving process? I keep praying God will show me his will for what path I am supposed to take and I am still not sure. I feel like I should have this all figured out by now. I am going to be 40 in August for goodness sake and I feel more adrift than I did when I was in my 20’s!

All that to say, if you are out there and you are out there and feel stuck or feel that you are adrift in life like I do, you are NOT alone! I am fortunate that I have people in my life that can help keep me grounded and sometimes focused. I know God is on my side and I know that he is going to guide me through this season to the next big thing he has planned for me. But I know there are a lot of people out there that don’t feel that way. Don’t be afraid to open up to people and share where you are at in life, because I can guarantee, there are a lot of people out there going through the same things in life.

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